I awoke this morning with a revelation.
The time I have will one day be at an end.
Like, one day I won’t be here any more?
That’s a pretty daunting thought; one most of us really don’t want to think about too much. But it is an uncompromising fact that cannot be ignored. Life does not go on forever – at least not on this earth it doesn’t.
I lay in bed thinking about this. I didn’t have much choice because once the train of thought had begun it wouldn’t stop. So at some stage, I thought, there will be things I haven’t done, said or experienced because I’ll have run out of time. Shudder.
That got me out of bed. Fast. There was no time to waste lying around doing nothing but thinking. Every moment had suddenly become extremely important.
I have always thought we live in a wonderful world and it was becoming more wonderful by the moment as I considered a time when I would no longer be a part of it. No time left to make a difference; no time to do all those weird and wonderful things on the Bucket List I’d started a couple of new years ago.
Another frightening thought – I’d used up two years just like that, without a thought to my mortality.
So now what?
Well, now that the wheels are turning in a certain direction there’s no stopping it. I’m thinking about all the little things that dictate how we live our lives and am more aware than ever of the importance of each day, each moment – gifts to be treasured.
I wonder how I would feel if I woke one morning knowing it was to be my last day on earth? Ooooh, that’s a bit scary. I’d be gutted of course and I really wouldn’t want to know. Already the flood of regret is flowing over me – all those things I said I wanted to achieve and didn’t; the people in my life I said I would spend more time with and haven’t; how the trivia of life has ruled me when what’s really important are the people and those small everyday experiences we take for granted.
A small example.
The time I and some friends threw ourselves into a weight loss binge. It began when another friend returned, after two months leave, a slimmer model of her former self.
That’s it! we all cried, no longer able to ignore the extra kilos we had gained over a rather puddingy winter. The flab must be dealt with. So off we all trotted to the local Weight Watchers’ meeting, ignoring the fact that we’d all been there before – more than once – and ended up, months later, with the kilos stacked back on plus a bit more for good measure.
It’s so true. Very few of my friends have managed to keep the weight off permanently and that includes me. I’ve been a weight loss yoyo since my last child was born.
Where will it all end?
Obviously not the way I’ve been doing it. Not by fretting and weighing and counting points and doing a late afternoon mad dash along the beach so I can have a guilt-free glass of wine that night.
To be frank, no matter how determined I have been at the beginning, long term it hasn’t worked!!
So, back to my revelation.
If a day is a gift then shouldn’t we be grateful for it?
Shouldn’t we take it and use it and enjoy it and love it?
Shouldn’t we glory in it and make the most of every moment of it?
Starting today I plan to dump the etiquette book – the one that tells me I must look like Victoria Beckham to wear the latest trendy jeans; my living room must look like a show place at all times and my husband must not relax on the living room couch to watch the 6 o’clock news until he has showered and changed; my grand daughter must have ballet and piano lessons because these are necessary skills she needs to make her way in the world – even though she is five and prefers to climb trees; I must book a relaxing cruise because everyone is raving about cruises being the be all and end all of fantastic holidays. And so on and on and on.
I have decided that from now on I will cherish each day; relax more; stop trying to organise everyone around me. I will banish the word DIET from my vocabulary and I will accept that I am the mistress of my own destiny and entitled to enjoy and revel in my gift of each day.
I have reminded myself that I live in a wonderful world and, before I leave it, I am going to squeeze every drop of passion and joy from it.
Tomorrow I shall skip all assignments and commitments and take in a movie, or walk along the beach. It’s a small start but an exciting one.